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Mother Earth Wants You to Shut Your Piehole

It’s Earth Day, and many outlets are picking up some version of this story:

Researchers at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine found that overweight people were likely to be more responsible for carbon emissions than slim people because they consume more food and fuel.

‘Staying slim is good for health and for the environment. We need to be doing a lot more to reverse the global trend towards fatness, and recognise it as a key factor in the battle to reduce emissions and slow climate change.’

If you’re a believer in globalistical warmening, buying a Prius isn’t enough. Being a vegan locavore isn’t enough. Your assualt on gaia is measured at the waistband. Every sanctimonious bite of organic tofu pushes another polar bear into the ocean. Your duty is to starve.

For the planet. For the children.

If you”re not starving yourself today, you’re a hypocrite. Or an activist of convenience rather than principle. Because there is no middle ground. Either we’re at the precipice of doom, or it’s all a narcissistic quest for meaning.

Shut your piehole for the planet, or just shut your piehole.